Fear

I realized something today, and I'm not very excited about it.

I had a small panic attack this evening as a result of a question someone asked me. It's the same type of reaction that I have when I get angry.

My heart races, my stomach gets upset, and it's hard to describe... the back of my neck/ears get hot and tingly.

It is the worst feeling ever.

The situation that brought this on was benign and shouldn't have caused such a reaction... but it is how I often react.

As I was driving home, trying to calm myself down, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
What I felt was fear and my "angry" reaction is my attempt to defend my position because I am afraid that if I am wrong or messed up there will be detrimental consequences.

Of course, all this emotion is totally irrational to the situations I apply it to.

The reason I'm not very excited about it is because the connection I made was tied to my childhood. (I know, I know, blaming it on my childhood... what a cop out!) But I'm not blaming... just observing.

In the future, I am hoping (and brainstorming strategies) that with this knowledge I will be able to stop those crazy emotions before they get out of hand.

For tonight though I am despondent that I've hidden my fear behind anger and that most of my life I've allowed that fear to consume me. Furthermore, I am disappointed in myself for playing the tough girl and not even seeing what was really going on.

Thought for the day:
For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of self-control. 2Tim1:7